I haven't written in awhile. For that I'm sorry.
I've been swamped with schoolwork and life in general. I'm trying to find the balance, but I keep tipping the scales one degree too far. I've been traveling too, but I've also been coping with all of my anxieties that come with being away from comfort. I've generally been feeling well, but recently had experienced another crippling migraine. I haven't had one that horrible in a long time. And on top of all of that, my fears have now consumed me whole.
This week hasn't been easy. I should be cool, calm, and collected after a short vacation to rejuvenate my soul. Instead, I'm just a mess. I'm good at keeping it generally under-wraps, except for those closest to me, who know the torments my own mind has convinced me of.
Truthfully, I really have been good about most of my anxieties. I've found small coping mechanisms to remind me I'm in control and all of my fears, doubts, and woes aren't powering me. I've been generally well.
Until last night.
Sleep is a necessary time for your body to repair, replenish, and renew.
But last night's sleep was the worst I've had in years.
As a kid, I used to have reoccurring nightmares. There were two, which to this day, I can recall in vivid detail. Last night, my dreams were like a reel of "The Greatest Hits: Nightmare Edition." For the first time in decades, my childhood nightmares resurfaced. And so did a slew of new ones.
They ranged from being burned to death, drowning, diagnosing cancer in a family member, being hunted, having to fight off an enemy, being abandoned, and so much more. I somehow managed to dream of every single one of my fears in one night. I even dreamed of an octopus pulling me down beneath the ocean's surface and the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast), whom I feared as a child, but have since come to love. The silliest of nightmares perhaps was my weird fear of tube slides and being forced to slide down one. Still a fear, nonetheless.
I don't know how it's possible to have so many nightmares all in one night. And I'm exhausted today, after living a night in absolute fear. I knew they were dreams, and yet I had to feel the pain of it all. I woke with tear-stained cheeks, crippled by fear. The anxiety still swells inside of me and I cannot grasp control over it.
A truly scary thought is the fact that while I thought I was doing so well, and while I thought I was taking control over my fears, my brain took all of them and manifested them in one lone night. I've been pitted against myself, and I'm not sure how to overcome that.
It was then then I felt the urge to write, something I've struggled to do for weeks. And so here I am. Making a mess of myself on paper, making myself even more vulnerable than I already feel.
My thoughts are all over the place, and to think about sharing them, I'm scared of the reaction I may get from others. I need time, but I'm afraid of wasting too much time. I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid.
I live in so much damn fear.
That's the stuff nightmares are made of: fear. And I've been living it day in and day out.
I feel alone, despite the fact that I know I'm not. I still feel this way. I'm scared of things that don't even have justification. But yet I fear. I feel weak against my fears. I doubt myself. I doubt I'm worthy of anything.
How has it all come to this?
I have so much to be grateful for, and while I am, I'm scared senseless that at any moment I could lose it all.
"I have no special talent.